One reason why humans are special and unique: We masturbate. A lot.

There must be something in the water here in Lanesboro, Minnesota, because last night I dreamt of an encounter with a very muscular African-American centaur, an orgiastic experience with – gasp – drunken members of the opposite sex and (as if that weren't enough) then being asked by my hostess to wear a white wedding dress while giving a scientific keynote presentation. "Does it make me look too feminine?" "Not at all," she assured me, "it's a man's dress."

By Jesse Bering